Working with divorced parents psychoanalytically requires a nuanced approach that recognizes the unconscious motivations and patterns that can be deeply entwined with feelings about the separation, and that lead to resistance and defensiveness in the couple.
As therapists, we must maintain a neutral stance, which can be difficult when dealing with divorced parents who are seeking validation for their perspectives or decisions, especially regarding their children.
In the first session with divorcing parents of two young children, I quickly saw the difficulties within the relationship during the first session. I asked the couple how they wanted to start, and the male partner said, ‘I am in your hands on what you want to do’. This comment seemed less to do with my guidance in the session, but I later learnt it was more about an unconscious conflict around being told what to do, which was the major imbroglio of their relationship.
This partner shared, ‘If I share something about the children, the response is often what they wear and why they are dirty. She tries to monitor and control what they eat, when, etc. I can’t be a good father if I am anxious. I might as well be told what to do.’
This was his second failed marriage, and he undoubtedly has been carrying a lot of judgement from others within his family, culture, and with himself. This has only deepened his internal wound of shame and guilt, leaving him to get rid of his disavowed feelings and attribute them to his partner. He also saw her as a disappointment and, in the sessions, judged her for failures in the relationship, but at times took it further to discredit her as a mother.
I found that this poor co-parenting couple construction fits together well, as the female partner can in fact easily identify with disappointment and shame herself, having ignored the ‘red flags’ before marrying, and having rejected advice from her parents and friends not to marry someone previously divorced. She thought she could prove to others and herself that she would be different. However, she was unsuccessful, and this shared failure in the marriage has provoked mutual antipathy.
To work with divorced parents can sometimes feel like an impossible task, leaving the therapist feeling constantly on the edge of their seat, trying not to be engulfed by the tsunami of projections and splits. I have found the best protection in these situations is the ‘use of self’, mentalizing feelings in the room for the couple that are brought up in the countertransference.
Before divorcing, this couple argued about their home; as lovely and spacious as it was, the house they always wanted, the kitchen and living room were outdated. Talks of renovating these areas fell by the wayside as other financial priorities took precedent. Despite this, the deterioration of the kitchen and living room was a constant battleground. He just wanted to sell and move, and she just needed time away from other stresses (caused by him) to start working on these areas.
After getting agitated by the back and forth over the color of the backsplash and outdated cabinets, I shared that I thought their agitation toward each other was actually over the deterioration of their marriage, that it wasn’t as lovely as when they first met, and now not a spacious enough container to manage their feelings of contempt for one another. Although it was difficult for them to hear this, they accepted it and spent the following sessions talking about the loss of what they had tried to establish together.
By William Walker, MA, LCSW
